2020, Unhealthy Relationships, and Sexual Abuse.

^{posted 2021-01-09}

Last year, 2020, was probably the worst year of my life. It was the year I was sexually abused by someone, and then betrayed emotionally by them and someone else, two people I thought I could trust. The year started off so well, too, funny how that works. But I wanted to write this as my first blog post to talk about the mistakes I made throughout the year, as well as the pain I endured at the hands of people I thought I could trust and rely on.

To be clear, I am seeing a therapist, and have talked to my therapist about this stuff, although we're still unpacking a lot of it. I have help.

The primary names in this blog post will be:

German (G) - My first ex, early to mid 20s in age.
Cumin (C) - My second ex who sexually abused me, 18 at the time of events.

March 2020, me and C had agreed we should meet up in person, as friends, as they came from an unhealthy home situation and I thought it would be pleasant for us both if we went hiking for a weekend and just, hungout. And they agreed, wholeheartedly. But we could never plan it super soon, due to obligations we both had, and then G entered the picture. Me and G started dating early in March, and naturally me and C wanted to include them in the hangout, as we were all friends. However, soon after, COVID-19 hit, and borders were closed. And as G was German, they couldn't make it into the US for this hangout. So all 3 of us agreed to postpone the meetup.

Fast forward to May, and something starts to happen. Me and G's relationship starts to get rocky, as they want more and more control and "monogamy" where I wanted more and more freedom to not feel pressured and controlled. In the middle of this, C one night brings up to me (after G has fallen asleep) that they have been having sexual thoughts and urges towards me, and they felt bad. While I obviously refused to condone or endorse it, I tried my best, under the pressure I already was under, to defuse it and make sure they knew I would absolutely not reciprocate, while still letting them know I'm not upset.

And the next day, I made a mistake. I should have informed G what C had said, and talked to them too. But I didn't, not to hide anything, but because we were both already under a lot of stress and pressure from our rocky relationship, and I didn't want to compound it with that. There were a lot of things I should have brought up with G, how their sexual ideas could make me a little uncomfortable, or how they never properly explained what they wanted out of our relationship. But looking back, they were a good person, who was just as inexperienced and pained as I was. That doesn't justify what came next, however.

In late May, me and G broke up. We decided what we wanted out of a relationship was too different, and we were going to give each other space. I thought it was a good plan. But I felt absolutely terrible, and wanted to do something that made me feel better. And having forgotten the previous conversation with C, I decided to bring the idea of us hiking for a weekend back up. And they were onboard with it! So we planned a weekend, in voice calls with G, and being very open about our plans. And a week and a half after the breakup, we have a great weekend. We hangout, platonically cuddle and hike all weekend, it was a blast. It was the first time I had ever platonically shown affection like that, something that I will always continue to do, as platonic affection is the best, and I love doing it. But afterwards, two things happened. G had gone quiet, and returned to accuse me and C of cheating on them, and planning to go behind their back. And C brought up the idea of us being more than friends, something alterous at least. While I tried to balance the conversation with C, mainly saying to give it a few years to let us both grow, G was getting more and more upset.

No matter what I said or explained, G refused to believe anything other than that C and I cheated on them and everything was pre-planned, which was never the case. But they refused to believe in anything I said, and it was a lost cause. Even with my active efforts to defuse situations that were questionable, and to avoid situations that could be questionable, they felt that way regardless. And they were very heavy handed in their attempts to gaslight me, as well as C. But while what they did was wrong, and in my eyes narcissistic, I think they saw something I didn't at the time. They saw the red flags between C and I, things I never saw until well after the fact. And so I am very, very sorry for the pain I caused G, they never deserved it. Even though I didn't deserve what they did to me either.

After the drama between G and I, we parted ways, and with that our friendgroup fractured somewhat. C and I went off to a Discord server that I'm still a part of today, and we remained in this limbo state of a friendship. After another month, in late June, we decided to hangout again, for longer this time. More hiking, and hanging out in a hotel room watching movies and having fun. But things were different this time, and affection was a lot more intense. They instigated and brought up more intense affection that I hadn't done or asked for, as they expressed they didn't want to, and in fact we had agreed to not do previously. And while I was willing to try it out and see how I felt, I also wanted to make sure they were comfortable doing it too, and wanted to do it for themselves, and no other reason. And they said they were comfortable, and wanted to do it themselves. And even while we were in person, I was constantly, incessently asking and making sure they were okay. As this was new for them, I wasn't sure why they were doing it, and I wanted to make sure they were happy with what was happening. I was trying so hard to look after them, I wasn't looking after myself. None of this was healthy for me, in hindsight. It hindered me and kept me from detoxing from my relationship with G, and my mind was getting in worse shape, and I was breaking down more and more internally. C knew I was in bad shape, and they made the decision to do these things, they brought these things up. And all I could think about was how they felt, and making sure they were happy. I never once thought about myself.

And then something happened. The last day of us hanging out, and hiking, and having fun. That morning, they started grinding on me. They came on top of me, all while I was oblivious. I had no idea what was going on, and once I realized, I was in genuine shock. We had agreed to absolutely not take it that far, we had previously talked and agreed that we would not do anything sexual whatsoever, as it was not something I was comfortable with, or that they were comfortable with, they claimed. But here we were, they grinded on me through our clothes, and came while on top of me. And you know what my first thought was? "Are they okay?" I never cared about myself, or thought about myself, my only thoughts were about them. It wasn't until days later where I was back home where I started processing what had just happened.

And then I made the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life. I continued to put them above me. After being used for their sexual pleasure unconsentually, I convinced myself that they must have more feelings for me than I thought. And instead of thinking about myself, and realizing I still needed to detox from my relationship with G, and that C had betrayed my trust, and used me while I was still down and troubled, I forgave them. I assumed that they wanted to be partners with me, since clearly if they're willing to grind into me and get off on top of me, there has to be emotion to back that up, RIGHT? So I talked to them, and forgave them, and asked the question.

They rejected me, and turned me down. And I'll be honest, I got upset. I never said anything mean, but I was loud, and I was pleading, I was upset. And then I took a nap, woke up, and apologized for my freak out and said okay, let's just be friends then. And they agreed, and I thought we moved on. Two days pass, and I'm still hurt by what C did, and trying to make heads or tails of it, and convincing myself I must have liked it because I didn't recoil outright. And then like clockwork, 2 weeks after they sexually abused me, and breached my boundaries, they brought up how they are still having sexual feelings and urges towards me. Still. They bring this up again, and I don't know what to do anymore, and I decided to cement what I convinced myself of. And I said I had those feelings too, a fact that I convinced myself to be true, to avoid the pain of reality. What was their first response to that you may ask? It was "Do you want to do something?"

And I said yes. Not because I wanted to, but because I had convinced myself that this is what I wanted. And so things progressed, and after we had a session online, I asked them "Are you sure we're just friends if we are doing this?" It was a question I asked in earnest, and a question I asked out of a desire for understanding, because I didn't understand what they wanted. And they said they weren't sure, and that they were apprehensive of the idea of being more than just friends. And in hindsight, I will admit I think I was heavy handed in how I expressed and asked these things. A fact that was confirmed when they said they felt pressured into a relationship. But what I never brought up, to avoid hurting them, was all the pressure and misconduct I was dealt by them. It had been months of them bringing up sexual feelings, and ideas of being more than just friends, I thought I was just cementing what was already there, and gaslighting myself into believing that I wanted all of this too, and in doing so I thought I could avoid the pain of being used and abused sexually.

So I explained my perspective, excluding the emotional trauma and pain, and pressure I felt, as I didn't want to burden them with what I was going through. And I said, would you be comfortable giving it a test run? Where we tried to be more than just friends for a week or two, to see how we felt as a partnership. It wasn't the only option, they were always allowed to say no, and I wanted them to say no if they weren't comfortable. Something I had always told them. But they said sure, they were comfortable doing that. And I asked if they were sure, just to be safe, and they said they were. And that day, in late June/early July, started the worst relationship I have ever been in, in my entire life.

They were very sexual, and wanted to do stuff pretty frequently, something I was willing to do as well, but then after would always say how they hope this can slow down and they can stop being this sexual. But they never acted like they wanted to slow down, they only said they did. And this was about the time I came to realize something was very wrong, as those words were not the only words with no substance, so was their emotional words. They would say they loved me, and cared about me, but they were never willing, or able to express that except for limited times. At the time I assumed it had to do with their issues expressing themselves, but in hindsight it was clear they had no desire to be emotional with me. They only ever wanted to be around me for sexual reasons, and then outside of those they were gone, emotionally at least. I consented of course, I enjoyed every second of them actually caring about me, however limited it was. But something was wrong, and I knew it, and I tried to talk to them about it. I tried to level set with them, only wanting them to be open and honest. And they refused to be, all they ever said was that they would try to express stuff more often, but they never did. They never tried, or at least I certainly never saw them try. And each time I asked, I got more and more frustrated because I felt as though I was being lied to. And I certainly wasn't expressing myself healthily, I still hadn't even detoxed from my relationship with G yet. I was mentally a fucking mess, and they couldn't of cared less from my perspective.

And then at some point I wrote a poorly worded, emotional letter, explaining how I see how they would express themselves better around people in Discord servers, but would seemingly lock up or just not want to be around me, unless they were horny. And they responded by saying they wanted to leave, and needed distance from me. And I freaked out, admittedly. All this time I only wanted them to be honest, and for us to have a real conversation about the problems we had between us, but they never wanted to talk to me. They never wanted to have a conversation, whenever they weren't horny, they just wanted to go off and avoid any form of conflict. Their obsession with perfection mean't my imperfection was too much for them, I guess. And so I asked, and pleaded for a second chance. Where I could be the best I could possibly be for them. I abstained from getting estrogen, and starting HRT, and I stopped myself from expressing my needs to them, and became a lot more passive. My goal was to relearn being friends with them first and foremost, so that if we broke up I would be able to take it healthily, and to that extent the second chance worked. But they felt pressured into the second chance, and they didn't feel like I had changed, or that I was any better than before. I made so many sacrifices for C, and they ignored all of them because I dared to be imperfect, and to make mistakes.

And then after a while, they broke up with me, and they left. And I didn't put up a fight, because I had nothing left to give, and I had nothing left in me. I had sacrificed who I was for them, and what I wanted, and I was left regrouping with whatever I had left in my head. I only remembered last week that I wanted to get estrogen, and start transitioning over half a year ago. But I never did, I felt I couldn't because I felt C wouldn't want that, even if they said otherwise. All I ever thought about was what they wanted, my desires and needs were always last. And it was a very hard few months regrouping and realizing just how unhealthy I had been, and how much I had dive bombed myself into a situation I would've never wanted to be in, had I not been in such a bad mental state due to my breakup and drama with G. Awful timing leads to even worse situations, and I learned that the hard way.

And I learned a couple days ago now, that C likely believes and claims I was grooming them, and that I was some asshole who only ever thought about or wanted stuff for myself. And I can't even begin to process that, it was the biggest punch to my gut I have ever experienced in my life. After everything that happened between us, after how much I tried to be understanding, how much I put them above myself, and after how much I sacrificed for them. They throw me away like some trash that was only ever out for personal gain. I am still having trouble processing it, because it doesn't make any sense to me. I only ever wanted what I thought was best for us both. Sure, in the process of that I made a lot of mistakes, and I hurt myself, as well as C a lot. But to hear them claim I only ever acted out of self interest is painful to a degree I've never experienced before. And these last couple days have been the first time since high school where I've actively thought about suicide. But I won't die, not to some false accusation that C has made to make it easier for them to cope. I won't end my life because someone who sexually abused me and breached my boundaries believes I only ever acted out of selfishness.

The abuse and pain I endured does not excuse the mistakes I made, and the pain I caused to others. And I am sorry from the bottom of my heart for all the pain I caused G and C in 2020, all I ever wanted was to make them happy, and to feel happy myself. But it was not to be, and we were clearly never compatible. I only hope now that both G and C can recognize the parts they played in these painful situations, and can improve themselves too.

I don't think either of them, G or C, are awful, or evil people, to be clear. I think G was very hurt, and wanted to justify their pain, and they saw red flags to use as justification. Doesn't excuse their actions, but I understand it. And I think C has a lot of problems with expecting perfection from themselves, and others, as well as an unhealthy desire to never be selfish, and I believe that to be a self fulfilling prophecy. The sexual abuse they did to me, and the pain they caused from their refusal to be honest, and their refusal to have a conversation with me, is something I don't know if I'll be able to forgive in the near future, but I wish the best for them both. I deeply hope they can both overcome the obstacles they face, and become the best that they can be. I hope their 2021s are absolutely phenomenal for them. I'm going to work on making sure mine is for me.

Thank you to anyone who was willing to read through this, I hope this helps people who have dealt with anything even remotely similar. Even if you make mistakes, it's important to realize the pain you've been dealt, and the misdeeds that have happened to you. And it's also very important to realize the good in you, and good you did, and the intentions you had. Recognize that you are not a bad person, even as you recognize and acknowledge the mistakes you made along the way.

On a brighter note, I'm going to start the process of getting on HRT next week, by calling a consent clinic. Wish me luck everybody, I love all of you, and I wish you all the absolute best in 2021. <3